Dear Doctor
It’s been a really long time since I last heard from you, almost 13 years. I hope you’re doing alright. Many things have occurred since I last saw you in the hospital. The last thing you saw of me is my crying face after knowing that you won’t be my doctor and you’ve been assigned somewhere else. What can I say, I was a silly sensitive kid. I’ve went to the hospital after that another 9 times in which I did another 6 surgeries. That’s 11 visits, 11 surgeries and 11 years of treatment in the orthopedic hospital of Aschau.
It was dusk when I took a last glance at the dim of lights in the hospital and I got to admit it was hell of a trip and for a moment I thought that by then it all came to an end, but the truth is it wasn’t even the beginning! In fact, the beginning took place 6 months and 13 days later.
Throughout my life I had many dreams of what I want to be when I grow up doctor, first I wanted to be a doctor, then an astronaut, a pilot, an astrophysicist, an air force fighter and a programmer. But my goal has been the same through it all, to go beyond the expectations and prove that the impossible doesn’t exist.
I’ve always heard people talking about how much pain can change a person but I never expected it can change this much!
In 2013 I developed another goal and my life has never been the same since then. You see, I was like any other silly boy who wanted to simply finish high school and study anything in college that would get me a good job. My grandma passed that year, a month later I had the biggest surgery from the 11 surgeries I did and the pain I had to endure from it was beyond describing. If you’re going to think how irrelative this is to change my life and what an emotional and spoiled boy I am -which many people would take a thought of right away-, with all due respect you’re wrong. I related them together because I remembered how she lived her last months in bed with pain exceeding every day till her last and when I felt a tiny part of it I took a long glance at my life and what of a blind idiot I was. I promised myself then that I would do whatever it takes to not let anyone live through that pain ever again.
So, I shifted back to the dream of studying medicine, to accomplish that goal.
2 years later I finished the senior year in high school with an excellent average of 92%, which I needed to travel to Germany and get enrolled in Medicine as I have been planning for a whole year. Mom reminded me of the words you told me in of your daily check-ups on me back in 2005: “Nach 20 Jahren wirst du hier kommen und mit mir arbeiten.. After 20 years you will come here (the hospital I got treated in) and work with me”. Well, back in my first visit to the hospital and with having no friends, following you during your visits to the patients was the most interesting thing I could do and I believe you saw that bright spark in my eyes when you used to talk to the patients about the procedure they’ll be going through. I guess that was the reason you said those words to me. I know you said it to make the dau a little 7 years old silly mama’s boy. But, oh doctor, I guess you’ve never thought that your words would not just change the course of that boy’s life, but also everyone he crossed over in this short life of his and who knows maybe the whole world one day.
I spent the next months till I moved to Germany struggling with my father until I convinced him on my plan with the help of my mother who was the most supportive for me during my mere life. Who could blame him?! Actually almost nobody believed that I would make it alone through the first month. Eventually, my father has given me faith and trusted me to this hard mission that I took without hesitation.. and without thinking.
“You shall go to the mountains, and you shall never come back..” those were the words I said out loud to myself while I was stepping on the stairs leading to the airplane on the day that changed it all, the 9th of April 2016. The plane took off from Jordan with your silly 7 years old mama’s boy patient who grew up to an almost 19 years old guy. And yes doc, he spent the whole 4 hours trip to Munich crying like he used to after every surgery when the casting saw turned on. He even kept on crying during that afternoon and also in the evening. This time he didn’t cry because of the pain, he cried because he finally realized what he really was up against. Of course I didn’t tell anyone! First of all they would find it pity, second of all I knew that no one would understand back then, literally no one!
I started my trip in Germany with failing the simple task of looking after my passport. Yeah, I lost my passport in the first month -it probably got stolen- and I didn’t receive the real support a normal person would receive in this kind of situation. I didn’t tell anyone of my friends because they already thought I was an idiot because I lost my train ticket -which I found later- before the event of losing the passport. And my family.. well, what can I say, their reaction has taught me a lot about them. They’ve put all the blame on me and they kept calling me almost every day to scold me and scream that I’m an idiot and I should deal with the consequences by myself. I can’t blame them and I can never condone how much they helped me and supported me of course during that period and I know that their reaction was out of fear on me, but their words have fallen on me like a mountain. And so I lost a big part of the trust my family has given me. The passport was the least of my problems though, or it was the trigger of them all. The next month was unbelievably hard since that I used to live away from the language institute and the following month was literally hell. The humiliation I went through was.. well, I never really told anyone about the full extent of it, I preferred not. In this month I lived with a pig in the shape of a human who used to curse me and my family, mock me and he even got to the point of punching me whenever he found me annoying to him. You would wonder why I didn’t go to the police, well, I didn’t want anyone to fight in my stead and so I stood up to him by myself-despite how short I am- and in that instant I saw a glimpse of the strength I had hidden for all the those years. I guess all the years of enduring surgeries and my family have finally paid off, huh?
During those 3 months I’ve felt hunger, loneliness and failure at their finest.
I only had myself back then and I remembered my brother-in-law’s words to me before I traveled “be the captain of the ship, focus on your ship only and no matter how hard it gets hit as long as the hit isn’t deadly you have to steer it to its harbor, and don’t mind the passengers if they stayed or jumped off because they won’t affect your ship in any matter. That’s how life works.” He gave me my life moto: “Captain of the Ship”.
The hell has come to an end and I started putting my life back together. I became stronger than ever and that mama’s boy was long gone now. Despite that I failed the first enrollment test I made in September, I kept on going, the depression and loneliness became a part of the dark period and I beat them, I didn’t mind failing because it taught me which roads to avoid in my adventure, I became an expert in the transports in Munich, my photography abilities have excelled, I became a good cook and I even started cooking for my friends and on the 3rd of February 2017 I finally passed the enrollment test and I started the foundation year at last. By April in the same year I found love, my grades in the college were good, my Whole family was proud of me, and all my friends were by my side. Everything was perfect, but I took it all for granted. I never thought that in matter of 6 months I would lose it all. First, my grades started going bad, my family lost faith in me, my best friend and many other close friends have abandoned me and depression has come back so hard that I couldn’t keep it hidden and everyone could see how bad my mental state had become. I used to spend days staring at the ceiling, wondering which turn I took that caused all of this to happen. My world as I knew it was gone! I fell, doc! And my fall was beyond resurrection. To be honest I seriously thought about taking the sharp knife which mom has given me back in April and slice the veins on my wrist. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that easy to break and surprisingly, I still had a lot of fight left in me. In that precise moment I took the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my mere life. I’ve put everything I’ve got left on the line and I did what I do best.. defy the impossible. In November -the worst month of 2017- I worked so hard on my grades until they had finally become better, while my social life was still in chaos and the depression was turning into hard physical pain in my heart. Till now I don’t really know how I lived through that month. Nothing good was happening and the only news I were receiving were bad and the last of them was the death of my uncle. But, I didn’t allow myself to give up, I had nothing to lose after all. And, I did it! I raised my Average in the foundation year to 92% oppose to all the expectations of my classmates that thought I wouldn’t go higher than 80%. I’ve received an acceptance from the university to study computer science and not medicine as I preferred, but this was part of plan I made from the beginning if I couldn’t get enrolled in medicine, they both lead to the same destination I’m seeking after all. In the last 3 months I realized that this was the only thing I could bring back from my world, everything else I’ve lost was long gone, but now that I look back at it, I don’t think I need to bring anything else. You see, I’ve found out that my strength to bare life didn’t have a limit. I hated it though, I wish I was a normal person like everyone else and knew when I should give up, but since birth it was distend to me to not be like everyone else. And I guess that’s why I cried the day I arrived to germany, because I knew that what I’m seeking has a road that nobody has took without losing everything they hold dear. So, I risked it all. I knew if I didn’t I would either get back to becoming like everyone else or lose my own self - mentally or simply death- trying. I would have rather the second scenario actually. Dear doctor, I know you were waiting for a happy ending by the end of this letter doc, but the thing is this isn’t the end. I understood that as long as I have a breath in me I would keep steering the ship until it reaches its harbor even if no one was left on it but me. They can say whatever they want, they can call me arrogant, selfish, liar, cheater, weak, coward…etc I don’t care! In the end they will look at me from the sea when I reach my destination and they will know that I looked way farther than them and everything I’ve done was for the greater good.
Oh! I almost forgot to mention, what I’m seeking doctor is immortality..
It’s been a really long time since I last heard from you, almost 13 years. I hope you’re doing alright. Many things have occurred since I last saw you in the hospital. The last thing you saw of me is my crying face after knowing that you won’t be my doctor and you’ve been assigned somewhere else. What can I say, I was a silly sensitive kid. I’ve went to the hospital after that another 9 times in which I did another 6 surgeries. That’s 11 visits, 11 surgeries and 11 years of treatment in the orthopedic hospital of Aschau.
It was dusk when I took a last glance at the dim of lights in the hospital and I got to admit it was hell of a trip and for a moment I thought that by then it all came to an end, but the truth is it wasn’t even the beginning! In fact, the beginning took place 6 months and 13 days later.
Throughout my life I had many dreams of what I want to be when I grow up doctor, first I wanted to be a doctor, then an astronaut, a pilot, an astrophysicist, an air force fighter and a programmer. But my goal has been the same through it all, to go beyond the expectations and prove that the impossible doesn’t exist.
I’ve always heard people talking about how much pain can change a person but I never expected it can change this much!
In 2013 I developed another goal and my life has never been the same since then. You see, I was like any other silly boy who wanted to simply finish high school and study anything in college that would get me a good job. My grandma passed that year, a month later I had the biggest surgery from the 11 surgeries I did and the pain I had to endure from it was beyond describing. If you’re going to think how irrelative this is to change my life and what an emotional and spoiled boy I am -which many people would take a thought of right away-, with all due respect you’re wrong. I related them together because I remembered how she lived her last months in bed with pain exceeding every day till her last and when I felt a tiny part of it I took a long glance at my life and what of a blind idiot I was. I promised myself then that I would do whatever it takes to not let anyone live through that pain ever again.
So, I shifted back to the dream of studying medicine, to accomplish that goal.
2 years later I finished the senior year in high school with an excellent average of 92%, which I needed to travel to Germany and get enrolled in Medicine as I have been planning for a whole year. Mom reminded me of the words you told me in of your daily check-ups on me back in 2005: “Nach 20 Jahren wirst du hier kommen und mit mir arbeiten.. After 20 years you will come here (the hospital I got treated in) and work with me”. Well, back in my first visit to the hospital and with having no friends, following you during your visits to the patients was the most interesting thing I could do and I believe you saw that bright spark in my eyes when you used to talk to the patients about the procedure they’ll be going through. I guess that was the reason you said those words to me. I know you said it to make the dau a little 7 years old silly mama’s boy. But, oh doctor, I guess you’ve never thought that your words would not just change the course of that boy’s life, but also everyone he crossed over in this short life of his and who knows maybe the whole world one day.
I spent the next months till I moved to Germany struggling with my father until I convinced him on my plan with the help of my mother who was the most supportive for me during my mere life. Who could blame him?! Actually almost nobody believed that I would make it alone through the first month. Eventually, my father has given me faith and trusted me to this hard mission that I took without hesitation.. and without thinking.
“You shall go to the mountains, and you shall never come back..” those were the words I said out loud to myself while I was stepping on the stairs leading to the airplane on the day that changed it all, the 9th of April 2016. The plane took off from Jordan with your silly 7 years old mama’s boy patient who grew up to an almost 19 years old guy. And yes doc, he spent the whole 4 hours trip to Munich crying like he used to after every surgery when the casting saw turned on. He even kept on crying during that afternoon and also in the evening. This time he didn’t cry because of the pain, he cried because he finally realized what he really was up against. Of course I didn’t tell anyone! First of all they would find it pity, second of all I knew that no one would understand back then, literally no one!
I started my trip in Germany with failing the simple task of looking after my passport. Yeah, I lost my passport in the first month -it probably got stolen- and I didn’t receive the real support a normal person would receive in this kind of situation. I didn’t tell anyone of my friends because they already thought I was an idiot because I lost my train ticket -which I found later- before the event of losing the passport. And my family.. well, what can I say, their reaction has taught me a lot about them. They’ve put all the blame on me and they kept calling me almost every day to scold me and scream that I’m an idiot and I should deal with the consequences by myself. I can’t blame them and I can never condone how much they helped me and supported me of course during that period and I know that their reaction was out of fear on me, but their words have fallen on me like a mountain. And so I lost a big part of the trust my family has given me. The passport was the least of my problems though, or it was the trigger of them all. The next month was unbelievably hard since that I used to live away from the language institute and the following month was literally hell. The humiliation I went through was.. well, I never really told anyone about the full extent of it, I preferred not. In this month I lived with a pig in the shape of a human who used to curse me and my family, mock me and he even got to the point of punching me whenever he found me annoying to him. You would wonder why I didn’t go to the police, well, I didn’t want anyone to fight in my stead and so I stood up to him by myself-despite how short I am- and in that instant I saw a glimpse of the strength I had hidden for all the those years. I guess all the years of enduring surgeries and my family have finally paid off, huh?
During those 3 months I’ve felt hunger, loneliness and failure at their finest.
I only had myself back then and I remembered my brother-in-law’s words to me before I traveled “be the captain of the ship, focus on your ship only and no matter how hard it gets hit as long as the hit isn’t deadly you have to steer it to its harbor, and don’t mind the passengers if they stayed or jumped off because they won’t affect your ship in any matter. That’s how life works.” He gave me my life moto: “Captain of the Ship”.
The hell has come to an end and I started putting my life back together. I became stronger than ever and that mama’s boy was long gone now. Despite that I failed the first enrollment test I made in September, I kept on going, the depression and loneliness became a part of the dark period and I beat them, I didn’t mind failing because it taught me which roads to avoid in my adventure, I became an expert in the transports in Munich, my photography abilities have excelled, I became a good cook and I even started cooking for my friends and on the 3rd of February 2017 I finally passed the enrollment test and I started the foundation year at last. By April in the same year I found love, my grades in the college were good, my Whole family was proud of me, and all my friends were by my side. Everything was perfect, but I took it all for granted. I never thought that in matter of 6 months I would lose it all. First, my grades started going bad, my family lost faith in me, my best friend and many other close friends have abandoned me and depression has come back so hard that I couldn’t keep it hidden and everyone could see how bad my mental state had become. I used to spend days staring at the ceiling, wondering which turn I took that caused all of this to happen. My world as I knew it was gone! I fell, doc! And my fall was beyond resurrection. To be honest I seriously thought about taking the sharp knife which mom has given me back in April and slice the veins on my wrist. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that easy to break and surprisingly, I still had a lot of fight left in me. In that precise moment I took the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my mere life. I’ve put everything I’ve got left on the line and I did what I do best.. defy the impossible. In November -the worst month of 2017- I worked so hard on my grades until they had finally become better, while my social life was still in chaos and the depression was turning into hard physical pain in my heart. Till now I don’t really know how I lived through that month. Nothing good was happening and the only news I were receiving were bad and the last of them was the death of my uncle. But, I didn’t allow myself to give up, I had nothing to lose after all. And, I did it! I raised my Average in the foundation year to 92% oppose to all the expectations of my classmates that thought I wouldn’t go higher than 80%. I’ve received an acceptance from the university to study computer science and not medicine as I preferred, but this was part of plan I made from the beginning if I couldn’t get enrolled in medicine, they both lead to the same destination I’m seeking after all. In the last 3 months I realized that this was the only thing I could bring back from my world, everything else I’ve lost was long gone, but now that I look back at it, I don’t think I need to bring anything else. You see, I’ve found out that my strength to bare life didn’t have a limit. I hated it though, I wish I was a normal person like everyone else and knew when I should give up, but since birth it was distend to me to not be like everyone else. And I guess that’s why I cried the day I arrived to germany, because I knew that what I’m seeking has a road that nobody has took without losing everything they hold dear. So, I risked it all. I knew if I didn’t I would either get back to becoming like everyone else or lose my own self - mentally or simply death- trying. I would have rather the second scenario actually. Dear doctor, I know you were waiting for a happy ending by the end of this letter doc, but the thing is this isn’t the end. I understood that as long as I have a breath in me I would keep steering the ship until it reaches its harbor even if no one was left on it but me. They can say whatever they want, they can call me arrogant, selfish, liar, cheater, weak, coward…etc I don’t care! In the end they will look at me from the sea when I reach my destination and they will know that I looked way farther than them and everything I’ve done was for the greater good.
Oh! I almost forgot to mention, what I’m seeking doctor is immortality..
Yours sincerely,
your patient- Abdel Rahman Abu Baker
