Bending – how do i feel about gold? what is gold and why is it human’s desire to own and hold gold? how much bending for gold am i willing to do? and how does it affect me?
if gold is the air i breathe, it must be a vital part of my existence and i must protect it dearly. if gold is the ring on my finger and a symbol of belonging to one another, the others gold ring much bigger than mine, does it mean i am worth less than the other?
so i bend. become flexible and forget what it’s all about.

Tara – peace happens even in the most distressed emotional situation. i learned. peace is also atained in impossible situations. i learned. going through all these possible and obvious emotional states, the feelings, the pain made me learn. but for some feelings and emotions i am left wordless. i am unable to define. and in this nondefinition sadness comes up. grinding and heartbroken. i am still. peace.

Swirl – do you sometimes feel like you might be sad or pissed off, even though you can not get an idea why it’s bothering? do you feel like you could swirl around uncoordinated, letting go of all do that and don’t do this, the knigges, the expectation which is anchored as how you are supposed to behave? 
do you end up in an inner frenzy wondering how you got there? do you attempt to make everything right, but you don’t have a clue what’s that supposed to be? do you feel stressed about what to think?
me too! i feel sadness, pissyness, frenzy, confusion and also helpless, when i get caught up in an emotional situation. but there is this NEW feeling hovering over all this wordly experience, it’s a certainty, that i experience it and at the same time i can rest. rest and spin through this without having the need to analyze. it splurts out in tears. a heavy and exhausting feeling stays behind, but i am NOT angry and i am NOT afraid. for that i am grateful.

Suit Of Layers – i’ve been painting and drawing and looking and walking and eating and had no time to change, nor to take a shower.  i feel awesome!
a suit of layers is not dirt layers, it is rather the labels acquired throughout life. labels like “emotional time bomb” or “not worth it”, “tough girl” or “liar”, “free spirit” or “totally mellow”, “brave” or “pretty”, “you never do, what i tell you”, “fantastic job, i love working with you”, “i am too fat” or “i am too skinny” or “i can do that” or “i wish i could do that” or “it is my fault” or “i am stupid”. all these labels hurt at the point of realisation, even the positive ones. it is not an overnight job to erase them from the mindset. the beauty is, you don’t know what colors might shine underneath, but a shear will to accept and carry on is yours!

The Finger – the other day i was playing with my neighbour’s twin babies, the most precious humans in our entire village, i suppose. it’s a girl and a boy, both are so much fun to be with. they are nine months old and have developed into little personalities of joy and curiosity, laughter and ambition. all smiles and giggles mostly, that’s how i experience them. my neighbour, the twin’s mom went out for errands. annie, the baby girl grabbed a wooden toy block and pounded against the glas door. a baby has strength to make real good noise. i knew she is not supposed to do that, and although i tend to sit there and bang that thing too, i showed respect for the parents wishes and showed her how to bang on the wood floors instead - i mean the floor doesn’t break then her brother finnie did something he is not supposed to do, also rather dangerous, pulling himself up by holding onto a giant rabbit cage on rollers, and in the instance i made an attempt to hold up my index finger - i realized how bizarre this is! waving an index finger at a baby to signal ‘no, don’t do that’. why why why do people do that finger thing? it seems like a threat. i know the exclamation mark index finger, but that‘s mostly in conversations and seeking for attention without waving. 
it feels ancient sometimes, how humans in this culture raise children. with the finger. it‘s daunting.
do not obey the finger. i don‘t. occasionally some old german men wave the finger at me. i smile and wave back with my entire hand. sometimes i get surprise smiles back. sometimes they grunt and wave their hand in front of their head. more language to learn.

Unseen – something i learned, which alters my perception of who i am and who you are. a dreading and wary issue of the past year was, that i came to the conclusion i feel unseen by the people at work. it didn’t occur to me as this exact thought, i rather felt people don’t understand me and i plainly don’t understand people. speaking the same language apparently does not require the same understanding of words and their meaning. i tried to compensate and learned to use their words, manifesting their thinking to the core of who i am. over the course of some time my behaviour changed, i stopped doing the things i love to do. it became a habit to associate myself with these words and ultimately it also refined how i felt about myself. 
take into consideration, that a word is a thought. nobody can see it. not even if a scientist, who cuts you open to see what is in the head or brain. thoughts are not taking up physical space. you’ll never see one. not yours, not mine (unless i blurt it out and it becomes sound or writing). therefore who i am, can’t be defined by words. no matter how many different words i try out, if none matches my essence, i remain unseen. i might think i am a pilot, but if i don’t behave like one, i remain unseen. unless i feel like one.
to think who we are, is not the same as to feel who we are. to feel who you are, stop thinking who you are. feel love joy sadness comfort warmth confusion bliss and hearts.

Rest – i am excited to paint on double size paper, now on A1. more room, essentially, more art, more stillness. i like to sit on the floor, or on the pouf. be comfortable and flexible at the same time, reach out for the tubes of colours, brushes, all draped around me. get inspired by the sun illuminating the book shelf and the dramatic arrangement in the sky itself. the process happens.
rest is an essential part of creativity. no mind created words in our standard language can describe the feeling of embracing an idea from deep within. feel the energy pumping through the veins. what colour does it feel?

Magic – a woman and a black dog. woof.
since i started to paint, draw and illustrate by hand again, and began the process of let’s see where this is going to take me, i encounter so much magic:
1. i studied fashion design and illustration a long time ago. though the drawing classes are long forgotten, the fashiony style creeps through everywhere, no matter how abstract minded i want to be  

2. i paint my subconscious desires, in this case a dog. and guess what, next week, my husband and i are going to check out a dog for adoption!  

3. occasionally i paint my feelings and experiences in advance. but i only know it, when it actually happens 

4. i like to paint on heavy smooth paper, it satisfies my craving for smearing colours and scribbling. but recently the paper size seems to appear smaller, the bigger the paper gets 

5. anger depletes, vanishes, goes somewhere else 🥰

Good – i am not conform with the term mental illness. it suggests to pop a few pills and everything will be normal, so to speak. the matter i experienced is so much deeper than my mental mind could ever understand and even recognize what i really need. it’s been a year now of meditation, yoga and the realization of self is coming to terms with my mind. all the clutter of what ifs and he/she said this and that has surrendered into a colourful arrangement of maybes. this is good for now. it is good for me. the violence of words doesn’t hit as hard, yet there is still a subtle feeling of knowing it all. but i can trust this! i am in it, you’re in it, we’re all in it.

Dance Again – the dance goes on, dance even wilder than before. enjoy the movement, feel the muscles contract and relax. swing around and let your heart pump the blood in the pulse of the beat. one exercise i like to perform with my mind is to imagine dancing, when i am in a tense situation. i see myself from the inside and pretend to have the direct control to move my arms and legs. like a tiny robot running up and down inside me pulling and pushing on the nerves and muscles. the tingling in my arms make them twitch as i sit somewhere not moving at all. it is weird, but whatever, it gives me so much instant joy and something to laugh about as well. it is my mind, i can do with it what i want! it feels crazy but ultimately free to say it.

Dance Wild – dance wild. dance like you don’t care. dance away the fear. move. move your limbs wild and free. going out dancing was an essential part of my teenage years. blasting music and the movement made life exciting and there was always something to look forward to. my friends and i danced all night long, and sometimes till noon of the next day. hip hop and grunge was the spirit of the nineties in berlin. funhouse, madhouse, huxleys and the trash. there is no cool to understand, dance like you’re painting the music. feel your arms and legs don’t coordinate well at times, spastic movement prays to the sky and jumps of joy might irritate somebody. dance in the kitchen, dance in the office, and in the studio. and out in nature

Dressed Inside Out – it is an approach, dress inside out. spill your emotions out in colors. wear no costume, be authentic and still try to meet on eye level. 
drop judgment, go with the flow but communicate your needs. this world and that world and the many realities. i am overwhelmed. maybe i am not overwhelmed but my mind is. scattered like that dress. 
let it go let it go let it go, where it wants to go. there, flow.

Lady In The City – saturday night out with my friends. conversations about becoming and shedding off labels acquired by society and how liberating this life is. really, to give a fuck about wether you shaved your arm pits properly or not at all, chapped lips, onion breath and appearantly a nonconformity of a pair of breasts. burn out and starting all over again, natural brows and fake freckles. hey, but i love your pants - they make me happy! i will kiss you all night long and hang close with all the other girls. it is a birthday party.