Bertie's tip for success - what is a bank account?
Former Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, has embarked on a public speaking career in America. The former leader was reportedly surprised at being offered to speak about economic building, but hastily agreed upon learning he could be paid in cash.
Mr. Ahern has been listed as a speaker for the elite Washington Speakers Bureau for some time now, despite the organisation’s slogan - 'Connecting you with the world's greatest minds'. A message on his speaking profile reads: "Bertie Ahern dedicated his career to re-inventing his country's economic and political stakes in global affairs. He persuaded his fellow politicians and citizens toaccept short-term sacrifices to achieve long-term pain and long term sacrifices”.
For every speech, the former leader is paid the sum of $40,000 in a brown envelope. This places Mr. Ahern in the same bracket as other members of the world leader intelligentsia, including renowned public speaker George W. Bush. His latest lecture, entitled ‘Prime Minister as CEO’ covers the basics every world leader and entrepreneur needs to know - finding a willing subordinate on which to put the blame, 5 easy tips for forgetting the difference between dollars and sterling, as well as the pointlessness of grown men owning a bank account.
Mr. Ahern’s blurb goes on to say: "Ahern’s dedication to destroying his country's economic and political stakes in global affairs is second to none and is an inspiration to any political or business leader hoping to bleed their business dry before running for the hills. His ability to persuade his constituents, through some form of hypnotism or black magic, to follow his vision provides lessons for even the most seasoned executives, who wish to gain blind acceptance from employees and customers alike.” On the streets of Dublin, however, the reaction was one of bewilderment. “Advice from Bertie on building a successful economy? Shure that’d be as useful as tits on a bull!”
Below Bertie on the list lies new guest speaker, Muammar Gaddafi, who will be speaking to Washington Congressmen on ‘Peaceful relations with the Opposition’.
Conor Forrest
Former Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, has embarked on a public speaking career in America. The former leader was reportedly surprised at being offered to speak about economic building, but hastily agreed upon learning he could be paid in cash.
Mr. Ahern has been listed as a speaker for the elite Washington Speakers Bureau for some time now, despite the organisation’s slogan - 'Connecting you with the world's greatest minds'. A message on his speaking profile reads: "Bertie Ahern dedicated his career to re-inventing his country's economic and political stakes in global affairs. He persuaded his fellow politicians and citizens toaccept short-term sacrifices to achieve long-term pain and long term sacrifices”.
For every speech, the former leader is paid the sum of $40,000 in a brown envelope. This places Mr. Ahern in the same bracket as other members of the world leader intelligentsia, including renowned public speaker George W. Bush. His latest lecture, entitled ‘Prime Minister as CEO’ covers the basics every world leader and entrepreneur needs to know - finding a willing subordinate on which to put the blame, 5 easy tips for forgetting the difference between dollars and sterling, as well as the pointlessness of grown men owning a bank account.
Mr. Ahern’s blurb goes on to say: "Ahern’s dedication to destroying his country's economic and political stakes in global affairs is second to none and is an inspiration to any political or business leader hoping to bleed their business dry before running for the hills. His ability to persuade his constituents, through some form of hypnotism or black magic, to follow his vision provides lessons for even the most seasoned executives, who wish to gain blind acceptance from employees and customers alike.” On the streets of Dublin, however, the reaction was one of bewilderment. “Advice from Bertie on building a successful economy? Shure that’d be as useful as tits on a bull!”
Below Bertie on the list lies new guest speaker, Muammar Gaddafi, who will be speaking to Washington Congressmen on ‘Peaceful relations with the Opposition’.
Conor Forrest
HSE Breaking News; workers don’t like Mondays
Reports have highlighted that absenteeism is continuing to be a huge problem for the Health Service Executive in the west of Ireland. According to latest figures,approximately 5-6% of workers in Galway University Hospital don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning.
Unnamed members of staff at the hospital are reportedly angry at having a full time job with decent pay and are threatening longer lie-ins if hospital management do not cut hours and increase their salary. “Management are treating us like normal workers. How do they expect us to work a full shift every day? I want tobe at home every afternoon in time for Jeremy Kyle. This is a disgrace.”
A spokesperson for HSE West said “if you take a large hospital and 5-6 percent of staff are absent, it means that 100 staff are absent every day. I know we all hate working, even I take a sick day every few days or so, but you’d think they would come up with some better excuses. One woman said her dog ate her uniform…no effort at all is put in.”
Director of regional operations, John Hennessey, also noted that low morale could possibly be an issue in the high absenteeism rates. “That is an issue we have to grapple with nationally and locally in terms of how people feel coming into work for the HSE,” he said. “Everyone hates it, for a hospital it’s a surprisingly depressing place. And we spent too much money on staff holidays last year so they’ve had to cut the staff bar. I suggested taking away a couple of wards instead but whoever those people in the beds are started complaining.”
HSE authorities have no idea how to solve their employee issues. Firing staff who couldn’t be bothered to turn up for work in the morning was dismissed as being far too extreme a reaction, with some board members suggesting shortening the working day to accommodate those who prefer longer lie-ins in the morning.
Negotiations are expected to continue for some time.
Conor Forrest
Reports have highlighted that absenteeism is continuing to be a huge problem for the Health Service Executive in the west of Ireland. According to latest figures,approximately 5-6% of workers in Galway University Hospital don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning.
Unnamed members of staff at the hospital are reportedly angry at having a full time job with decent pay and are threatening longer lie-ins if hospital management do not cut hours and increase their salary. “Management are treating us like normal workers. How do they expect us to work a full shift every day? I want tobe at home every afternoon in time for Jeremy Kyle. This is a disgrace.”
A spokesperson for HSE West said “if you take a large hospital and 5-6 percent of staff are absent, it means that 100 staff are absent every day. I know we all hate working, even I take a sick day every few days or so, but you’d think they would come up with some better excuses. One woman said her dog ate her uniform…no effort at all is put in.”
Director of regional operations, John Hennessey, also noted that low morale could possibly be an issue in the high absenteeism rates. “That is an issue we have to grapple with nationally and locally in terms of how people feel coming into work for the HSE,” he said. “Everyone hates it, for a hospital it’s a surprisingly depressing place. And we spent too much money on staff holidays last year so they’ve had to cut the staff bar. I suggested taking away a couple of wards instead but whoever those people in the beds are started complaining.”
HSE authorities have no idea how to solve their employee issues. Firing staff who couldn’t be bothered to turn up for work in the morning was dismissed as being far too extreme a reaction, with some board members suggesting shortening the working day to accommodate those who prefer longer lie-ins in the morning.
Negotiations are expected to continue for some time.
Conor Forrest
Vol. 244,
Prestigious Escort Agency forced to shut its doors
One of the country’s leading escort agencies, specialising in providing company to wealthy bankers and politicians at the height of the Celtic Tiger has been forced to close down.
The owners of South Dublin Escorts in Dublin 4, which specialised in top-of-the-range female escorts from Poland, France and Russia said yesterday they had no choice but to close after the market collapsed.
Revenue for the once highly profitable business had fallen from over €25millionin 2004 to just €5million in 2010.
"The closure is unfortunately a direct result of the prolonged recession that we find ourselves in," said the owners in a statement. “I guess most of our clientele have simply gone or don’t have the money any more. All the bankers are gone off to other agencies on the continent, and Fianna Fáil are trying to behave themselves until they get back into power. And Enda Kenny wouldn’t exactly be our type of client. The only people left in thecountry who would fit our customer base are Catholic priests, and all our girlsare far too old for them.”
A variety of factors were blamed for the closure, including the"unsustainable costs of business including taxes and brown envelope levies as well as a lack of government support for sustaining employment in the industry and a low incidence of women taking the required FAS course".
“Despite government promises at the last election, no new FAS or university courses have been provided to educate women who seek such a career. This isn’t a job you can simply do if you just have the looks. Our employees need to have brains as well.”
A government spokesperson turned bright red and declined to comment.
Conor Forrest
One of the country’s leading escort agencies, specialising in providing company to wealthy bankers and politicians at the height of the Celtic Tiger has been forced to close down.
The owners of South Dublin Escorts in Dublin 4, which specialised in top-of-the-range female escorts from Poland, France and Russia said yesterday they had no choice but to close after the market collapsed.
Revenue for the once highly profitable business had fallen from over €25millionin 2004 to just €5million in 2010.
"The closure is unfortunately a direct result of the prolonged recession that we find ourselves in," said the owners in a statement. “I guess most of our clientele have simply gone or don’t have the money any more. All the bankers are gone off to other agencies on the continent, and Fianna Fáil are trying to behave themselves until they get back into power. And Enda Kenny wouldn’t exactly be our type of client. The only people left in thecountry who would fit our customer base are Catholic priests, and all our girlsare far too old for them.”
A variety of factors were blamed for the closure, including the"unsustainable costs of business including taxes and brown envelope levies as well as a lack of government support for sustaining employment in the industry and a low incidence of women taking the required FAS course".
“Despite government promises at the last election, no new FAS or university courses have been provided to educate women who seek such a career. This isn’t a job you can simply do if you just have the looks. Our employees need to have brains as well.”
A government spokesperson turned bright red and declined to comment.
Conor Forrest
Psychics violate the trust of humanity
Reports filtering through today reveal something so shocking, scientists claim it has the capacity to shake the trust of millions in humanity – psychics may not actually be hearing from the dead.
The devastating allegations come as a result of the ‘Psychic Sally’ show held last night in Dublin’s Grand Canal Theatre. Morethan 2,000 were in attendance to see the famous TV star, who appeared to make contact with the afterlife, especially dead women called Mary who had left the iron on before they died, and were just calling back to make sure it was turned off.
Before this pivotal moment in the history of psychic readings, these pillars of society were held in the highest regard as mankind’s link between the living and the dead, offering a chance of one last goodbye, words which were left unspoken in life. The thought that such mediums might not in fact be genuine, but were instead pulling such conversations withthe dead out of their arse, was never contemplated.
However, on Joe Duffy’s Liveline, Ireland’s outlet for moaning, whinging and general self-righteousness, it was revealed that Psycho Psychic Sally may in fact have been cheating just a little bit. Callers to the daily whinge-athon alleged that a voice behind the stage was actually relaying information to Sally. "The first half of the show went really well but when the second half started we could clearly hear a man's voice coming from the window behind us. Everything he said, the psychic would say 10 seconds later. It was as if she was having the information relayed to her."
The audience member said a number of people in her row heard the man speaking. However, when an usher heard him, he berated the voice for “ruining the scam”, gave him a belt of a stick and then closed the window.
Stephen Faloon, the theatre's general manager, denied that anything underhanded was going on and said the voice heard by the audience belonged to two 'follow-spot operators' working for the theatre, and not Ms Morgan. Faloon also speculated that the voice may have been that of somebody recently departed, who was drawn to the psychic aura of the building, and questioned whether those audience members who complained were psychics unbeknownst to themselves.
Sally claimed she has heard voices from the age of four, and saw her first spirit at the tender age of six, which may or may not have been a sheet flapping in the wind on the garden clothes line. However, it was only when she decided to take herself off her treatment for schizophrenia that she decided these voices were those of the dead, and that she was inevitably a psychic.
From running a ‘psychic practice’ at home, Sally has gone on to star in television programmes for both ITV and Sky, who really should know better.
She has also penned two bestselling books on her life and work, and is currently writing a third about her death and afterlife.
Conor Forrest
Reports filtering through today reveal something so shocking, scientists claim it has the capacity to shake the trust of millions in humanity – psychics may not actually be hearing from the dead.
The devastating allegations come as a result of the ‘Psychic Sally’ show held last night in Dublin’s Grand Canal Theatre. Morethan 2,000 were in attendance to see the famous TV star, who appeared to make contact with the afterlife, especially dead women called Mary who had left the iron on before they died, and were just calling back to make sure it was turned off.
Before this pivotal moment in the history of psychic readings, these pillars of society were held in the highest regard as mankind’s link between the living and the dead, offering a chance of one last goodbye, words which were left unspoken in life. The thought that such mediums might not in fact be genuine, but were instead pulling such conversations withthe dead out of their arse, was never contemplated.
However, on Joe Duffy’s Liveline, Ireland’s outlet for moaning, whinging and general self-righteousness, it was revealed that Psycho Psychic Sally may in fact have been cheating just a little bit. Callers to the daily whinge-athon alleged that a voice behind the stage was actually relaying information to Sally. "The first half of the show went really well but when the second half started we could clearly hear a man's voice coming from the window behind us. Everything he said, the psychic would say 10 seconds later. It was as if she was having the information relayed to her."
The audience member said a number of people in her row heard the man speaking. However, when an usher heard him, he berated the voice for “ruining the scam”, gave him a belt of a stick and then closed the window.
Stephen Faloon, the theatre's general manager, denied that anything underhanded was going on and said the voice heard by the audience belonged to two 'follow-spot operators' working for the theatre, and not Ms Morgan. Faloon also speculated that the voice may have been that of somebody recently departed, who was drawn to the psychic aura of the building, and questioned whether those audience members who complained were psychics unbeknownst to themselves.
Sally claimed she has heard voices from the age of four, and saw her first spirit at the tender age of six, which may or may not have been a sheet flapping in the wind on the garden clothes line. However, it was only when she decided to take herself off her treatment for schizophrenia that she decided these voices were those of the dead, and that she was inevitably a psychic.
From running a ‘psychic practice’ at home, Sally has gone on to star in television programmes for both ITV and Sky, who really should know better.
She has also penned two bestselling books on her life and work, and is currently writing a third about her death and afterlife.
Conor Forrest
Vol. 247,
