At the very beginning of this project, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I originally planned to do a continuation of my ‘To Master’ project which focused on sustainability, and using a model to embody the planet. However, due to COVID, I realised working with a model wouldn’t be the best option, even with the possibility of lockdown being lifted, I wanted to be 100% safe, and so decided to look in other directions. 

I brainstormed some new ideas, and the theme that really drew me in, was to actually do a project either just using, or about, myself. This developed into my thinking about identity, as around this time I was in the beginning stages of changing my name, which is a huge part of identity. This also linked in with my stories- I write novels as a way to escape, to create new characters and entire worlds that aren’t our own. 

Carrying on from this, my idea was to create a book with 2 main parts- firstly showing the idea of lost identity and confusion, and then part 2 would be the escape, being in the fantasy world. For part 2, I wanted to become the characters I’ve been writing, which included the 7 deadly sins, and a few other characters. 

Since I had a foundation for my idea, I started researching how to shoot at home. I knew studio work wouldn’t be an option due to the pandemic, and working alone, at home would be my likely set up. I looked at some videos on YouTube on how to create a studio set up in your bedroom, and I also followed some photographers on TikTok such as ‘Kihmberlie’ who does amazing, themed shoots all in her own home, and this gave me some great inspiration for how I’d be able to successfully shoot in my bedroom whilst getting a professional look. 

I then decided to cut out the first part of my idea and solely focus on the characters, and the idea of identity- defining yourself by becoming someone else. So I also looked into how actors get into character, how they actually BECOME and embody their characters, as that’s what I wanted to do. Examples I looked at were Heath Ledger (with his Joker character) as well as Villanelle in ‘Killing Eve’ as she becomes many characters throughout the series, adopting not only different styles, but different accents and personality traits too. 

From here I really started to delve into each character's personalities, finding out what makes them the way they are, and how I could embody those traits. 

I also created a moodboard for each character, looking at both styling and posing ideas, to translate the character better. I knew I wanted each character to be quite dramatic, and not just regular- they’re fantasy characters so I wanted them to have an element of fantasy about them, making them larger than life, not quite human, but still have human elements. 

In terms of inspiration, there were a few artists I looked into that really shaped my ideas and my perspective on my idea. Zanele Muholi had some gorgeous self portraits, and I loved the simplicity of them, just her, against a white backdrop, but the way she used homemade props, random objects transformed for her shoot really inspired me. Instead of buying everything I need, I wanted to make this shoot more of ‘me’ and so I wanted to incorporate things I already owned. I was also inspired by Jenny Saville, who’s art not only carries an important theme, but elicits a response from the audience, and I realised I wanted to do the same, I wanted to make my audience feel something when they looked at my work. Lastly, Cindy Sherman really inspired me, as a photographer who embodied different characters over many years, I knew she was someone I wanted to look into, to see how she transformed not only her body, but her mentality, for each persona. 

Poetry was something I knew I wanted to include since the beginning- my work was inspired by my writing, so including some of my own words was really important to me. I looked at some poets for inspiration, such as Atticus, and Rupi Kaur, but I also researched the link between photography and poetry, how the two connect and can help develop a story, without being descriptive (like a story is), but it could be quite abstract or metaphorical, and still convey a narrative. 

The end of phase 1 ended with a formative assessment, in which I showed my biggest inspiration, my test shoots and plan moving forward. Some feedback that stuck with me, was making sure any props I used were symbolic, and meaningful to the character, otherwise they’re a waste and don’t further the story. I also realised how raw this concept is, and even though I was becoming characters, those characters were still me, and I had the room to really play with gender, sexuality, and similar concepts in a really fluid way. 

Quite early on in my shooting phase, I had a key moment that really changed my project. Instead of thinking of my characters as different people, I thought of them as different parts of myself, and started to weave myself into the characters. This helped me explore identity in a much better way, as I realised that these characters were me, in many forms, and I should embrace that. 

I taught myself a lot in this phase, for the technical side I had to set up a studio in my bedroom, using a bed sheet as a backdrop, and my LED mirror as my lighting. It was a learning curve however shooting at home really benefited my project I think, as I was in my own safe environment, where I was free to express myself and be as crazy as I wanted without fear of judgement. I also taught myself a lot in terms of the makeup and styling (as I did it all myself), so I learnt how to make a golden crown using zip ties and gold spray paint, and how to make myself look different using makeup, such as a more masculine face shape, or literally dripping in liquid gold. It was extremely fun, and the entire experience was more fun and personal than any shoot I’ve ever done. 

Some of my concepts did change in this period- wrath was one character that changed, as my own opinions on what ‘wrath’ meant changed. Initially I was becoming ‘wrath’ the character, but then I wanted to merge myself with that, and show it as more of a real life emotion. So I continued my research, looking at depictions of wrath in history, and similarly I looked at historical saintly paintings as inspiration for my ‘pride shoot’, my images looked reminiscent of ‘the madonna’ in Christianity, and so I looked at different versions of this to make the connection. 

As I was shooting, I also started planning my layouts for the book, as I wanted a head start and to have an idea of what I wanted before phase 2 ended. This started in a very simple way, my images were on behance in a random grid, and multiple times I was told that a grid is actually a very effective way to show my images as it allows you to see every aspect of a character- the subtle changes, the changes in expression and body language etc… and so I started  looking more into this idea of grids. 

At the end of this phase I had another shift in my ideas, and decided not to name my characters. I decided I wanted the audience to try and figure out who each one was, rather than me just telling them, and this gave for a lot more freedom in my work. 

For the final phase, I already had an idea in mind of what I wanted. I knew I wanted a few hero shots for each character, and then grids. 

I started off by looking at inspiration for various layouts and themes. Zines really inspired me, as they show a lot of personality through design, and they show identity through the way it has been designed. However I realised that I wanted something a little more classic, to show off the photos themselves, so they’d be centre stage. So I looked at some more simple designs from Hoxton Mini Press as inspiration, as their books are simple, but very elegant and help convey the story being told without the design taking over the images. Here I started to play with some layouts, doing some asymmetric grids, and a variety of DPS showing one large image and two small. Playing around with the layouts and experimenting helped me find out what I did and didn’t like. I didn’t like anything asymmetric and ‘random’, I wanted it to look clean and professional, and let the images do the talking. 

At this time I wasn’t sure if we’d be physically printing our books, so just to be safe, I researched some reputable book printers, such as Bobs books, Ex why zed and Blissetts. 

After experimenting with layouts, I finally decided on a very symmetrical grid layout, using 9 images per character, as well as 2 main hero shots. The hero shots would be at the front of the book, showing one side of the character, and then the grid would allow the audience to delve deeper and really find out who each character is. 

During this time I had been writing my poetry, I had 8 short poems I wanted to use, that explored identity in an abstract way. I knew I wanted them to go in the middle of the book, rather than on the pages with the images, as I didn’t want the poems to be connected to one certain character- I wanted them to relate to the book as a whole. 

The retouching process was something I wasn’t particularly looking forward to, as it’s an area I’m really not confident in, however, the tutorials Chris put up really helped me, allowing me to follow a step by step personalised guide. I wanted the retouching to be very minimal, I didn’t want to smooth the skin or remove anything, as this book is about me, and I wanted to be true to myself and show every part of myself in a way that’s honest and something I could feel proud of. It taught me to look at my own face and be ok with it. 

The final part of this phase was deciding on finishing touches. I researched a huge variety of cover styles, including plain leather, small image on a plain colour, or a full bleed/ wrap around image. I decided that I didn’t want one character image to sum up my book, as the book is about all of them, however I found one image from my ‘warrior’ shoot that I felt really portrayed my book. It shows my hand with a splatter of blood on it, and I thought that the mystery this creates would be incredibly intriguing and would encourage people to pick my book up and see what’s inside. 

For the back cover, I went with a plain white bed sheet, to pay homage to the ‘shooting at home’ aspect of my project, as every single shot includes my white bed sheet behind me, being used as a backdrop. 

Lastly, for my title and back cover, I wanted it to again be quite mysterious and ominous. I decided on “I am…” as a title, as it’s a book about me, but what I am isn’t determined yet, it’s unfinished. And for the back, I finish the sentence, and determine that I am whatever I want to be.